Humor

 

Two Wolves

 

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said “My son, the battle is between 2 wolves inside us all.”

 

 

“One is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, Inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

 

 

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

 

 

 

 The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

 

The secret of a good sermon is to have a

good beginning and a good ending; and

have the two as close together as possible.

~George Burns

 

A little boy opened the big family bible.  He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.  Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.  He picked up the object and looked at it.  What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 

 “Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.  “What have you got there, dear?”  With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”

 

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.  Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.  Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.  The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:  “Glory be unto the Faaaaather and unto the Sonnnn…. and into the hole he gooooes.”

 

Just after receiving his driver’s license, a minister’s son wanted to talk about using the family car.  “Ill make a deal with you,” his father said.  “Bring your grades up, read your Bible more often, and get a haircut.  Then you may use the car once or twice a week.”  A month later the question came up again.  “Son,” the father said, “I’m proud of you.  I see you studying hard and reading your Bible every day.  But you didn’t get a haircut.”  After a moment’s pause, the son replied, “Yeah, I’ve thought about that.  But Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”  “True,’ the father replied, “but maybe you noticed that they walked wherever they went.”

 

YOUR CHOICE:          Eighty Years

On the first day, God created the cow and said, “you must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer.  I give you a life span of sixty years.”  The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.  Let me have twenty and I’ll give back the other forty.”  God agreed.

 On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh.  I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.” Monkey said, “How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years, I don’t think so. Give me ten years and I’ll give back the other ten.” So God agreed.

 On the third day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.  I give you a life span of twenty years.”  The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking.  The monkey gave you back ten years, so that’s what I’ll do, okay?”  And God agreed again.

 On the fourth day, God created man.  God said, “Eat, sleep, play, enjoy.  Do nothing, just enjoy.  I’ll give you twenty years.”  Man said, “What!  Only Twenty years!  No way, man.  Tell you what – I’ll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back.  That makes eighty, okay?”  God agreed.  “Okay,” he said, “you’ve got a deal.”

 So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

 

A new pastor moved into a town, and he went out one Saturday to visit his

parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that

someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked

several times. Finally he took out his card, wrote on the back...

"Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.

 "Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and

open the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me"

Revelation 3:20

The next day, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the

collection plate. Below his message was the notation "Genesis 3:10."

"And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I

was naked: so I hid myself."

Genesis 3:10

Please be seated....Everyone who wants to go to Heaven....Please stand.....Be seated

Everyone who wants to go to hell, please stand.....only one man stood.

The priest asks...."Do you really want to go to hell?".

The man said ..."no, but I didn't want you standing alone"

Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about a pastor.... He had a

kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to

come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would

not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor

decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the

tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. He did all

this, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he

went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for

him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little further forward....the

rope broke.

The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the

air-out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the

neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. Nobody had

seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to

your keeping," and went on about his business. A few days later he was

at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to

look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this

woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are

you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?" She replied, "You won't

believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for

a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had

begged again, so the mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God

gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it." She told the pastor, "I watched

my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat.

And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own

eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws

spread out, and landed right in front of her."

 MODERNIZING THE CHURCH

The elder priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "I
know you were reaching out to the young people when you had
bucket seats put in to replace the first four pews. It
worked. We got the front of the church filled first."

The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And, you
told me a little more beat to the music would bring young
people back to church, so I supported you when you brought
in that rock 'n roll gospel choir that packed us to the
balcony."

"So," asked the young priest, "what's the problem?" "Well,"
said the elder priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with
the drive-thru confessional." "But Father," protested the
young priest.

"My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know, my son, but the flashing neon sign
'TOOT 'N TELL OR GO TO HELL' has to go."
 

Dividing Nuts                                                          

     Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts.

Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill

their pockets and shirts.  When they could hold no more nuts, they started

down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided

that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.  The

two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets

and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.  In the process,

two of them rolled away and rested near the road.  The boys then proceeded

to divide out the nuts. "One for you.  One for me. One for you.  One for

me."  As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to

hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys,

because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran

back to town.  "Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The

cemetery. Come quick!"  "What's the matter?" his father asked.  "No time

to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"  The boy and his

father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery.

They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few

moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.  "Do you hear

that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts.

"One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."  The boy then

blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"  The father

was skeptical but silent-until a few moments later as the Scouts completed

dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we

get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."               

 

A SURVIVAL KIT FROM GOD

 Lollipop – to help lick your problems

Rubberband – to help you be flexible and not break

Snickers – to remind you to laugh in the face of trials

Paperclip – to help you hold things together

Sweet Tart – to help you accept & appreciate the differences in others

Gum – to give you stick-to-it-iveness

Pin – to help you pinpoint problems

Piece of String – to help you tie up loose ends

Lifesaver – to keep you from drowning in everyday chores

Lemon Drop – to remind you that if “life gives you lemons, make lemonade!”

Penny – to give you the extra “cents” that everyone needs

Nail – to help you remember how much you are worth to me

 Hug & Kiss – to remind you how much I love you

 Do not try to shoulder all the world’s problems…..

That’s my job!!!

Love, Your Heavenly Father

 

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch.

 At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, “take only one, God is watching”.  Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.  A boy wrote a note, “take all you want, God is watching the apples”.

 

At such a tragic time as this we all need such a story as this:

 From a vet—     “A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest.  So, I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog’s head when I had finished.

 After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent.   As I sprinkled the last pup’s head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, “I didn’t know they had to be baptized too.”

Keep Smiling

 

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas
before a long holiday weekend.
 The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars
ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the
attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
 "Reverend," said the young man, sorry about the delay.
It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get
ready for a long trip.
 The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the
same in my business."
 
 
 A father was approached by his small son, who told him
proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
 His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know'
what the Bible means?"
 The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father.
 "So, Son, what does the Bible mean?"
 That's easy, Daddy.
 It stands for Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.